JOKES,,,,,LOL........

• A Jamaican man went to Kingston public hospital for treatment to both his badly burnt ears. Dr asked: how did you get your ears so badly burnt sir? Patient replied: mi a iron mi shirt an one eediat bwoy caal mi upon mi cell phone an insteada mi ansa di fone mi pic up de ion an ansa it. Dr said: ok that explains 1 ear, but how do you explain the other? Patient replies: Di eediat caal mi back agen!.... LOL LOL DWL

• What BOOK? SMUTBOOK? They need to call it F**KBOOK! Profile looking good but in person looking YUCKBOOK! ..HELLBOOK, TELLBOOK ..B#tches can't SPELLBOOK! ..Hate behind your back but in person wish U WELLBOOK? ..RUDEBOOK..FEUDBOOK!! Tell ya every MOVEBOOK? ..Dont even have to watch television sh***tttttt this NEWSBOOK!! DRINKBOOK, SMOKEBOOK, This really is a JOKEBOOK...Welcome to FACEBOOK!! (TOO FUNNY)!!

• Hey baby...ur my cranberry in a bottle..my julie mango..my chocolate swirl..hmmmmm..ur like da stars dat dazzle @ nights..u make me wanna dance to da sound of ur muzic which pitter patters like da rain drops fallin on da rooftop..aaahhhh..u make me feel like no othr..i love u wit evry breath i take n evry move i make..lol..let me stop b4 u think i was talkin 2 u..excuse me..i was lookin @ my self in da mirror..lol

•  FUNNY SHIT LOL: 23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

• 22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

• 5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN. (1) FINE -this is the word women use to end an argument when they know they are RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP. (2) NOTHING -means SOMETHING & u need to be WORRIED (3) GO AHEAD -this is a dare not permission DO NOT DO IT. (4) WHATEVER -is a woman's way of saying F**K YOU. (5) THAT'S OK -she is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.

• The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?"Little Johnny replies "The feet miss" So the teacher says "Why the feet?" And Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mummys bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting 'Oh my God I'm coming'"

• Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?" "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

• Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

• A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

• Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina. He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge." A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!" She replies, "I lost it, honey." A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?" Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

• Some Jamaican insects was goin to run a boat,so everything plan up,list a wey dem wah write up,but nobody no waan go shop so dem cast a lots n it fall pon snail.so dem sen snail a shop.1 day pass snail nuh come back...2,3,4,5,6 day.1 week 2 week,snail still nuh come back,everybody inna di place get upset n a cuss pure BBclaaat how snail nuh come back yet till dem hear snail voice at di gate,"unno gwaan Bl##Cl##t talk mi a mighta nuh badda guh no wey to!!!!!!!

• One night a man n his woman was aving sex.In z midst of all z passion n steaminess of z sex the man jump off n run go catch a pail a water in the bathroom n come back n dash it inna har pumpum.The poor woman so frighten she ask "wey yuh do dat fah? the man ansa n sey "pu##y too sweet man,mi had to dilute it!!!!

• An old lady is at the supermarket with her grandchild and she says" Diploma go get the milk, diploma go get the butter" "Ok grandma" the child replied. When they got up to the register the old lady said "Diploma pay the cashier" The cashier curiously asks "Why u call the pickney diploma?" The old woman replied, "Cuz wen mi send har mumma go college a dis she cum back wid"

• On a ship an American, an English man, and a Jamaican were sailing. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop something in the sea; if I find it I will eat you ... If I can't, then I will be your slave!" The American dropped a diamond. The Devil quickly found it and ate him. The English man dropped tiny platinum piece. The Devil found it and ate him too. Now it's the Jamaican man's turn .... He proceeded to open a bottle of water, and poured it in the sea! His words to the Devil, "Yeah man, find that bloodclaat nuh!!! Yuh tink seh jamaicans a idiot?"

• An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We’re having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"The doctor replied, "I’m not a sex therapist. You should find someone else." The couple said, "No, No, we trust you." After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don’t seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can’t give you any suggestions." This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren’t having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?" The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can’t afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."

• Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help. He says, '

Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?'

His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, 'Mek mi show yuh. Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars.
Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars. Then go ask your brother
if him would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you find out.'
The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means.
He asks his mother, 'Mammy if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?'
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, 'Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would.'
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,'Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with
Beres Hammond?' His sister looks up and says, 'Cho! Him kinda old still but with the amount a clothes I could buy
definitely I would give him a grine!'
Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, 'Eh yow, if someone gave you a million dollars,
would you sleep with Beres Hammond?' His brother thinks about it for a minute and says,
'Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time though'.
Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, 'Popah I believe that I figure it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on three million dollars, but in reality, we are living with two skettels and one battyman.'



DIVORCE VS MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."